At some point in time in our lives, we experience the loss of loved ones. Whether that be parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, friends, and/or others about whom we care. Commonly, the perception is that these individuals will pass when we are adults; it is challenging to fathom that children will experience death before they have reached adulthood. While humans are cognizant that death is part of the natural life cycle, adults may naturally shield their children from death in an effort to maintain their innocence and protect them from the outside world (Salek and Ginsburg, 2014). As per the JAG Institute and the Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model (2022), one in thirteen (estimated 5.6 million) children in the United States will experience the death of a sibling or a parent before they reach the age of eighteen. This daunting statistic exposes the underlying questions of many families alike: Should I tell my child? How will they react to the news? What should I do?
Discussing death and reactions for adults
These questions expose a cultural norm of limiting discussion around death. Throughout history, comfortability discussing death has ebbed and flowed, dependent upon the century, religious and spiritual prevalence, and the accessibility to technology (San Filippo, 2006). The lack of scientific evidence of the afterlife has maintained the fear of death and what occurs after death (Kubler-Ross, 1991). However, the most recent revision of the DSM 5-TR, which now includes prolonged grief disorder, has stimulated further research into grief and loss (Boelen et al., 2020). This stimulation of research may serve as a catalyst for increased communication around death, but this has not been established at this time.
Adults’ reactions to death may include significant and detrimental effects to their mental and physical health, including depression, anxiety, numbness, among others (Parkes, 1998). Adults may be unaware or unable to access support and may withdraw as a coping mechanism (Parker, 1995). Grief and loss affect each adult differently and can vary depending on factors such as past experiences of grief and loss, predisposition to mental health symptoms, and the relationship of the bereaved individual (Parker, 1995). These varying factors create challenges for mental health professionals and researchers to develop interventions, therefore it is important to individualize evidence-based treatment for the most effective practices.
Discussing death with children and children’s reactions
While adults experience challenges with discussing death, there are distinctive differences for children’s understanding of death and their reactions. These differences are varied depending on the age of the child, the child’s development level, and past experiences (Osterweis et al., 1984). The following provides insight into discussing death with each age group, as well as ways to discuss death appropriately.
Infants and toddlers
While infants and toddlers may not have the verbal expression to indicate understanding of death, many researchers conclude that infants and toddlers are able to react to death. These types of responses may include failure to thrive, increased crying, limited play response, and regressive behaviors (Schonfeld, 1993). While this age group may be limited in verbal understanding, it is important for adults to provide extra support and stability before (if possible), during, and after. In addition, therapists and other support individuals may also assist by providing insight on any changes and guidance to the parents, which could benefit the infant or toddler (Schonfeld, 1993). Techniques such as Child Parent Psychotherapy (CPP) provides support and strengthens relationships through an attachment theory lens (Chu et al., 2021). CPP treatment is a trauma intervention model that focuses on the caregiver-child relationship in a therapeutic setting (Chu et al., 2021).
Young children (3-7)
At this stage, many children feel that death is temporary or that the person who has passed is “just sleeping” (Salek & Ginsburg, 2014). Regressive behaviors, angry outbursts, and concern or fears that others may abandon them are common at this stage (Schonfeld, 1993). Unlike infants and toddlers, young children are able to comprehend and verbalize connections around death and may ask questions to more effectively understand. In this stage, using concrete, clear language is important to facilitate awareness, i.e., dead or death as opposed to “gone away,” which may imply that the person is returning at a later date (Salek & Ginsburg, 2014). CPP is also a valuable resource for parents and mental health professionals at this stage to provide assistance in normalizing the feelings of sadness, grief, and loss in a safe and appropriate setting (Chu et al., 2021).
Older children (8-12)
For older children, death is recognized as permanent. Older children may manifest feelings of sadness or grief in a physical way; they may complain of stomach pain, headaches, or other forms of physical illness (Bergman, Axberg, & Hanson, 2017). Considerations of suicide may appear at this stage or self-mutilation techniques as a way to join the deceased (especially if the child was close with the person). Due to the concerns for potential suicidality, this population should be engaged in age appropriate, but careful conversations. Death should not be glorified, but should be spoken about in age-appropriate honesty (Salek & Ginsburg, 2014). Older children may benefit or feel supported through therapy, engaging in appropriate end of life rituals, and creative outlets.
Teens (13-17)
Teenagers, as described by Piaget (1964), are considered in the “formal operational stage,” commonly characterized by the promotion of abstract thinking. Teenagers may display outward emotions of shock, dismay, anger, and depression; other teenagers may internalize these feelings as they may be uncomfortable for the teenager to describe to others (Bergman et al., 2017). Withdrawal from others, suicide ideation, self-harm techniques and other high-risk behaviors are common behaviors for teenagers after experiencing a death. Therefore, open and direct mutual communication is extremely important for both the caregiver and the teenager. Allow for teenagers to express beliefs, feelings, and wants in a way that showcases listening and respect. If a teenager does not feel that their voice is respected, they may not communicate about their concerns (Bergman et al., 2017). At this stage, professional intervention is important to assist the teen in identifying feelings and determining positive coping mechanisms.
Special challenges for children and death
As stated above, children experience death vastly differently than adults. Due to these differences, caregivers and other support persons may experience concern or questioning about end of life services. The question of “should a child be present at the funeral/wake/end of life service?” is a frequent but critical conversation. Adults want to protect children from experiencing distressing or challenging events. These services may assist with gaining answers, understanding, and clarification of death. If children are not provided an explanation, they may create stories or their own ideas to fill the blank space; they also may feel unsupported (Rapa et al., 2020).
For funerals, special attention must be paid to the layout of the service. Will the service have an open casket or photos? These may be triggering for children, especially younger children who do not have language or abstract thinking skills. Overall, the question above has no blanket answer. It is dependent on the child’s age, ability to understand, relationship to the deceased, and cultural differences, among other factors. Engaging with a mental health professional prior to the service may be assistive for adults to have a conversation with the child. Depending on the age of the child, it may be appropriate to hold space for the child to make their own decision about attending the service. If the child decides not to attend, be sure to support the child in their autonomy. The child may be interested in engaging a different medium in which to grieve, such as art or drawing.
With the rise of COVID-19 deaths and unforeseen times, death has become an amplified conversation among adults. Children are also acutely aware of these conversations and have their own perspectives. Nguyen (2022) summarizes these challenging times in this quote, which may resonate in us all: “It’s okay to feel vulnerable. Our safety was taken from us, but we will rebuild together.”
It’s okay to feel vulnerable. Our safety was taken from us, but we will rebuild together
Sarah Bauer, ABD, LMFT, is a doctoral candidate and licensed marriage and family therapist in both Florida and Massachusetts, and an AAMFT Professional Member holding the Clinical Fellow designation. A professor at both Central State University and Lakes Region Community College, she is also the owner of And Then There is You Psychotherapy. She can be reached at Sarah@andthenthereisyou.com
Bergman, A.-S., Axberg, U., & Hanson, E. (2017). When a parent dies – a systematic review of the effects of support programs for parentally bereaved children and their caregivers. BMC Palliative Care, 16(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12904-017-0223-y
Boelen, P. A., Eisma, M. C., Smid, G. E., & Lenferink, L. I. M. (2020). Prolonged grief disorder in Section II of DSM-5: A commentary. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 11(1). https://doi.org/10.1080/20008198.2020.1771008
Chu, A.T., Ippen, C.G. & Lieberman, A.F. (2021). It’s all about the relationship: The role of attachment in Child-Parent Psychotherapy. Resources of Child Adolescent Psychopathology, 49, 591–593. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-020-00741-5
JAG Institute. (2022, October 26). Childhood bereavement estimation model. Retrieved from https://judishouse.org/research-tools/cbem/
Kübler-Ross, E. (1991). On life after death. San Francisco: Celestial Arts.
Nguyen, K. (2020). 3 Steps to help kids process traumatic events. TED Talks. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/kristen_nguyen_3_steps_to_help_kids_process_traumatic_events/no-comments.
Osterweis, M., Solomon, F., & Green, M. (1984). Bereavement: Reactions, consequences and care. National Academy Press.
Parker, G. (1995). Pathologic grief: Maladaptation to loss. American Journal of Psychiatry, 152(6). https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.152.6.947-a
Parkes C. M. (1998). Bereavement in adult life. BMJ (Clinical research ed.), 316(7134), 856–859.
Piaget, J. (1964). Cognitive development in children: Development and learning. Journal of Research in Science Teaching, 2, 176-186.
Rapa, E., Dalton, L., & Stein, A. (2020). Talking to children about illness and death of a loved one during the COVID-19 pandemic. The Lancet. Child & adolescent health, 4(8), 560–562. https://doi.org/10.1016/S2352-4642(20)30174-7.
Salek, E. C., & Ginsburg, K. R. (2014, September 11). How children understand death & what you should say. How Children Understand Death & What You Should Say. Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/How-Children-Understand-Death-What-You-Should-Say.aspx
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