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Coping with the Loss of a Client

 

Grief and loss can be a challenging topic to discuss for most; words do not bring back the loved one who was lost. Those who surround you may be extra cautious not to bring up memories or topics for fear of triggering you or causing you emotional pain. This, in turn, creates a vicious cycle of feeling ostracized because of others’ fear of hurting you and feelings of frustration for the inability to bring up the loss. And so it goes, around and around, until the feelings are pushed so far down, they lay psycho-dormant or until a person seeks therapy or a variation of such. Either way, the feelings do and will resurface—usually at a time when it is not wanted or welcomed.

When we seek therapy, we look for a therapist who specializes in our reason for therapy. For example, if our reason is creating better communication with a partner, then we may seek a licensed couple and family therapist. Seeking therapy due to an eating disorder? One may look for a therapist who specializes in an eating disorder. The challenge becomes when you are the therapist who is seeking a therapist. I use the phrases: “Who cuts the barber’s hair? Who delivers the mailman’s mail? Who helps you when you help everyone else?” to describe the challenges of finding a therapist for a therapist.

I recently had an experience where a client whom I have been seeing for a while no-showed on an appointment. This client has a history of suicidality and self-harm and this behavior (no-show) was unlike them. It was concerning as I knew that they were not in the best head space and struggled with a recent traumatic event. Knowing that we had created a safety plan as well as other coping skills was helpful, but when the phone rang and went to voicemail and the email was unanswered for a few days, the worry and concern began to creep back in. Did something happen to this client? Other negative thoughts also piled in the forefront of my mind.

In this case, the client had a work emergency and needed a few days to respond. While we worked through this and actively communicated about a more effective safety plan, I could not help but internalize the questions of “what if something happened? What if the client were arrested, hospitalized, or died by suicide? How would I feel or react then?” As therapists, we have a special relationship with our clients. We are neither friend nor foe, family nor outsider. Yet, we have a therapeutic bond with them; we are linked in a way that promotes healing and support without leaving the office (or computer if we are performing telehealth). We also have a special caveat: we cannot talk about our therapeutic bond in any detail without breaking confidentiality or encountering any ethical or moral limitations.

We also have a special caveat: we cannot talk about our therapeutic bond in any detail without breaking confidentiality or encountering any ethical or moral limitations

Unique challenges for therapists

If we are bonded yet do not have the space that family or friends hold, nor can we talk to our own family and friends about our concerns or grief, how do we begin to work through the feelings of the “what ifs?” Those thoughts usually sound similar to: “what if I did…” or “What I should have done was…” or a variation of such statements. These statements are directly correlated within our own grief and guilt; they do not assist to heal but echo from a deep dark place of hurt and intrusive thoughts. In addition, remember that incarceration can feel like the loss of a client. They may physically still be present, but the client is now unavailable for a significant period of time; this is still a loss.

We may want to attend an end-of-life celebration or wake/funeral service for the client to assist with our own grieving process and show respect for the family and client. This can be a challenging decision to make as we may not be aware if the client notified the family of their engagement with therapy and do not want to break confidentiality. Freedenthal (2022) recommended considering the following questions:

  1. Did the family invite you?
  2. Have you spoken with the family about the end-of-life arrangements?
  3. What was the client’s relationship with their family?
  4. What is the reason for attending?

There may be some concerns about approaching or being approached by family regarding the client’s care. Documentation should be completed in its entirety, including documentation about the risks, especially if the client died from suicide or was incarcerated (Freedenthal (2022). Ensure that legal and ethical considerations are followed by consulting with state guidelines and other legal teams for guidance to navigate these challenges (American Psychological Association, 2012; Bradley et al., 2011). Also, see AAMFT’s Code of Ethics (2015).

What can we do?

What can we do then? There is no blanket advice here; no “here’s what you should do” statements that will echo from these pages. Statements such as “it will get better soon” or “I understand” are not helpful because grief is as unique as that person was to you. A web search may produce coping skills such as “mediation” or “finding activities that make you happy.” These are great coping skills, however, they usually are not enough. So, what next? Besides finding a therapist who specializes in grief and loss, here are some skills/activities for home:

  1. Allow yourself to feel (cry if you need to cry, smile if you want to smile, laugh if you want to laugh)
  2. Do not compare yourself to others.
    • This one is easier said than done, however, everyone’s experience is different, including yours compared to others who are experiencing grief/loss about the same person
  3. Document your challenges in a journal or other form of writing.
    • When you are writing, be sure to be mindful of confidentiality, especially if using a virtual platform or another source that others may read
  4. Join a support group
    • There are many that are just for therapists led by therapists. These can be the most helpful as other group members are also trained professionals who are in a similar or the same situation
  5. Light a memorial candle
    • This may be through a religious or spiritual nature but does not have to be. It depends on what feels right for you in that moment
  6. It is okay if you limit your plans with others.
    • If you do not feel up to “normal routines,” pick a few that you do want to complete. The others can wait and will be there for you when you are ready. You do not have to tell others why you are limiting plans

As a final reminder, the best gift to give is one to yourself, even if it is challenging or feels different. Grief is fluid, without a time limit.

Sarah Bauer, ABD, LMFT, is a doctoral candidate and licensed marriage and family therapist in both Florida and Massachusetts, and an AAMFT Professional Member holding the Clinical Fellow designation. A professor at both Central State University and Lakes Region Community College, she is also the owner of And Then There is You Psychotherapy. She can be reached at Sarah@andthenthereisyou.com


American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. (2015). Code of ethics. https://www.aamft.org/Legal_Ethics/Code_of_Ethics.aspx

American Psychological Association. (2012). Ethical principles of psychologists and code of conduct. Washington, DC: Author.

Bradley, L. J., Hendricks, B., & Douglas, K. R. (2011). Postmortem confidentiality: An ethical issue. The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 19(4), 417-420

Freedenthal, S. (2022, September 1). Should therapists attend the funeral of a client who dies by suicide? Speaking of Suicide. https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2013/08/07/funeral-after-client-suicide


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