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Divorce, Remarriage, and Blended Families: Checklists for Therapists

 

There is a strong correlation between marriage and family therapy and significant improvements experienced by clients with regard to their management of family discord, marital relationship conflict, parent-child struggles, and overall systemic distress (Tao & Randall, 2017). In addition, the specialized education, professional training, and therapeutic interventions employed by marriage and family therapists (MFTs) have reliably resulted in significant increases in inter-relational coping skills with commensurate re-establishment of homeostasis within the family system (Tao & Randall, 2017). Thus, MFTs are uniquely qualified to efficaciously treat the entire family system, as opposed to an individualized approach. In the event clients determine there is a need for systemic change, MFTs are particularly equipped to help them achieve a successful life transition.


Surviving divorce

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2019) reported that as of 2018, 6.5 of every 1,000 people in the United States get married, which equates to 2,132,853 marriages annually. They also reported that as of 2018, 2.9 out of every 1,000 marriages in the U.S. ends in divorce, which equates to 782,000 divorces annually. Raley, Sweeney, and Wondra (2015) broke the numbers down by ethnicity and reported 40% of White women, 45% of Hispanic women, and 55% of Black women become divorced annually. Empirical research has shown men, women, and children experience the effects of divorce somewhat differently. Nevertheless, it is a substantial adjustment for all parties.

Research consensus indicates men commonly experience divorce as follows (Baum, 2004; Beal, 1989):

  • Least likely to initiate the divorce
  • More likely to be the non-custodial parent
  • Experience challenges maintaining contact with their children when non-custodial
  • Often experience a sudden loss of social support
  • Develop feelings of aloneness, guilt, self-blame, and anger
  • Frequent lack of structure in day-to-day life
  • Grieve the lack of daily contact with their children
  • Often engage in sexual promiscuity/rebound relationships as means of re-establishing the support they had from their spouse
  • Begin spending longer hours at work
  • Decline in physical health due to unhealthy behaviors, such as drinking, increased intake of junk foods/fast food, and lack of adequate sleep

It is supportive to normalize these reactions, which allows the client to perceive a greater sense of control. In addition, clients may find the following coping strategies helpful for a successful transition (Baum, 2004; Beal, 1989):

  • Seek counsel from a member of the clergy
  • Join a divorced spouse/parent support group
  • Engage in regular physical activity
  • Find new healthful activities or hobbies that bring pleasure
  • Be open to cooperative parenting
  • Get in touch with their feelings and find a trusted source with whom to express them
  • Attend joint counseling sessions with their child
  • Refocus attention on the future instead of the past
  • Leopold (2018) reported women commonly encounter divorce as follows:
  • Most likely to initiate the divorce
  • Most likely to be the custodial parent
  • Commonly feel stress due to reduced financial resources
  • Have an increased need for child care
  • Experience feelings of intense grief, blame, and loss
  • Tend to feel an increased desire for social support
  • Often have a decrease in self-esteem due to self-blame

Clients should be informed these feelings and experiences are completely normal and occur as part of the adjustment process. Some coping strategies clients may find helpful are (Leopold, 2018):

  • Provide an opportunity for the children to participate in therapeutic services
  • Attend parent-child therapy sessions
  • Seek counsel from a member of the clergy
  • Join a divorced spouse/parent support group
  • Gather a circle of trusted supportive friends and family
  • Avoid spending a lot of time with people who focus on the negative aspects of the separation (e.g., placing blame, stoking negative feelings)
  • Make time to participate in self-nurturing activities (e.g., spa days, meditation)
  • Be open to cooperative parenting
  • Refocus attention on the future instead of the past
  • Honor their emotions and allow emotions to come forward

Men commonly experience a sudden loss of social support.

According to Kelly (2003), most children do not experience long-term adjustment problems following parental divorce except under the following circumstances:

  • Blindsided because the parents did not take the time to sit down and explain the divorce and what it means
  • Absence of the non-custodial parent for extended periods of time
  • Exposure to intense parental conflict or abuse before or after the divorce
  • Emotional and/or physical unavailability of the custodial parent (e.g., increased time with sitters due to additional hours at work, parent emotionally withdrawn)
  • Moving away from friends and classmates due to parental financial insufficiencies or required sale of the family home
  • Negative statements by one parent about the other parent in front of or directly to the children
  • Nevertheless, children are very resilient, and even if they have been exposed to one or more of these circumstances, there are strategies that can help (Kelly, 2003):
  • Implementation of regular visitation by the non-abusive non-custodial parent
  • Deliberate effort by parents to avoid negative parental interactions in front of the children
  • Seek services for the child from an MFT
  • Engagement in open parent-child discussions with permitted expression of child’s feelings without judgment but with empathy and understanding
  • Validation by parent and therapist of child’s feelings of grief and anger with assurances the child bears no responsibility for the dissolution of the marriage
  • Establish an amicable or at least cooperative consistent co-parenting relationship
JF20-F3 Divorce Kids

Co-parenting after divorce

Co-parenting after divorce can be difficult, uncomfortable, or undesirable. Some strategies for co-parenting success (Ferraro, Malespin, Oehme, Bruker, & Opel, 2016; Serani, 2012):

  • Presentation of united front and open communication between parents to eliminate the possibility of the child pitting one parent against the other or forcing the child to choose sides due to messaging inconsistencies
  • Avoid the temptation to present as the “good” or “fun” parent
  • Agree on parental rules and enforce them equally and consistently
  • Prohibition by both parents against child speaking negatively about either parent
  • Set an example for civil discourse with complimentary, or at least non-critical, mutual parental behavior
  • Discuss with the child what co-parenting will look like and what it means (e.g., child is still loved, separate households)
  • Participate in co-parenting training class
  • Make welfare of the child a primary focus

Remarriage

In their latest statistics, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2002) reported 54% of White women, 44% of Hispanic women, and 32% of Black women were expected to remarry following divorce. They also reported the overall rate of remarriage has been on the decline since the 1950s, which suggests these numbers are now likely even lower. Many people who have been divorced typically have emotional baggage from their previous marriage. This is certainly not unusual, nor unexpected. In order to have a successful subsequent marriage, it is important to maintain baggage awareness and develop adaptive behavior management skills. Some strategies for a successful subsequent marriage include (McCarthy & Ginsburg, 2007):

  • Choose new spouse based on his or her own merits irrespective of what has happened in the past
  • Do not compare current spouse to former spouse, neither internally nor verbally
  • Avoid active participation in disputes with former spouse to avoid energy drainage from the new marriage which can lead to relationship instability
  • Heed past relationship lessons
  • Avoid living in the past
  • Be honest; work through residual struggles from former relationships together; do not keep secrets
  • Seek professional help from MFT for obsessive preoccupation with the former spouse
  • Resolve most issues (emotional, financial, and circumstantial) from the prior marriage before entering into a new marriage

Blended families

Remarriage is a challenge, and often, there are children involved from previous marriages or relationships, which present an additional challenge; thus, creating what is known as a blended family. According to Pew Research Center (2015), 22% of children in the U.S. are living within a blended family. The following are some frequently identified challenges associated with blended families (McCarthy & Ginsburg, 2007; Pace, Shafer, Jensen, & Larson, 2015):

  • Biological parent disagreement on the role and authority of the new spouse or partner with regard to their interaction with the children
  • Unclear boundaries regarding biological vs. step-parent parenting roles
  • Child resistance to the acceptance of the step-parent as an authority figure with alternative acceptance of the step-parent as solely an adult figure
  • Differing views amongst spouses regarding parental roles and responsibilities
  • Family strife, confusion, and feelings of resentment amongst both immediate and extended family members

These issues can be resolved but it will take persistence, patience, and commitment. Recommendations for blended family success are (McCarthy & Ginsburg, 2007; Pace et al., 2015):

  • Negotiate and establish roles with clear boundaries
  • Include participating biological parents in the negotiations
  • Communicate feelings honestly and openly
  • Utilize an empathic approach to understanding opposing viewpoints
  • Maintain open lines of communication
  • Seek MFT services to attain family unity and achieve stability

Divorce, remarriage, and blending of families can generate painful, confusing, and challenging experiences. Based on the reported statistics, the expertise of MFTs is needed more than ever to help couples, children, and families who are struggling with systemic changes. Clients should be encouraged to utilize empathy and flexibility when navigating these transitions in order to effectuate a peaceable adaptive life change. Furthermore, although systemic adjustments are made collectively, it is important clients remember they evolve at an individual pace. Accordingly, with the right tools and resources, successful new beginnings can be achieved and sustained.

Discuss with the child what co-parenting will look like and what it means.

Neelia Pettaway, MC, MSHS, is a 4th year PhD student at Northcentral University in the COAMFTE MFT doctoral program with a medical family therapy specialization which has an integrated healthcare focus. In 2018, she was inducted into the Delta Kappa International Honor Society. She is an AAMFT Student member.


REFERENCES

Baum, N. (2004). On helping divorced men to mourn their losses. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 58(2), 174-185. 

Beal, G. (1989). Helping men cope with divorce. Journal of Psychosocial Nursing & Mental Health Services, 27(8), 30-32.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2019). Marriages and divorces.  https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nvss/marriage-divorce.htm?CDC_AA_refVal=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cdc.gov%2Fnchs%2Fmardiv.htm 

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2002). New report sheds light on trends and patterns in marriage, divorce, and cohabitation. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/pressroom/02news/div_mar_cohab.htm

Ferraro, A. J., Malespin, T., Oehme, K., Bruker, M., & Opel, A. (2016). Advancing co-parenting education: Toward a foundation for supporting positive post-divorce adjustment. Child & Adolescent Social Work Journal, 33, 407-415. doi: 10.1007/s10560-016-0440-x

Kelly, J. B. (2003). Changing perspectives on children’s adjustment following divorce: A view from the United States. Childhood, 10(2), 237-254. 

Leopold, T. (2018). Gender differences in the consequences of divorce: A study of multiple outcomes. Demography, 55(3), 769-797. doi: 10.1007/s13524-018-0667-6

McCarthy, B. W., & Ginsberg, R. L. (2007). Second marriages: Challenges and risks.  The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 15(2), 119-123.  doi: 10.1177/1066480706297846

Pace, G. T., Shafer, K., Jensen, T. M., & Larson, J. H. (2015). Stepparenting issues and relationship quality: The role of clear communication. Journal of Social Work, 15(1), 24-44. doi: 10.1177/106648070629784608

Pew Research Center. (2015). Parenting in America. Retrieved from  https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2015/12/17/1-the-american-family-today

Raley, R. K., Sweeney, M. M., & Wondra, D.  (2015). The growing racial and ethnic divide in U.S. marriage patterns. Future of Children, 25(2), 89-111. 

Serani, D. (2012). The do’s and don’ts of co-parenting well. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201203/the-dos-and-donts-co-parenting-well

Tao, C., & Randall, A. K. (2017). Marriage and family therapists. In A. Wenzel (Ed.). The SAGE encyclopedia of abnormal and clinical psychology (pp. 2051-2053). Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE Publications, Inc.

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