Picture this … a couple in your office is arguing. One starts to dominate the session with a filibuster onslaught, berating the other partner, because you waited a hair too long to interject while observing their negative interaction pattern. Now you’re scrambling to take back control of the room. . Sound familiar? After witnessing my clients exhaust themselves trying to force their perspectives onto each other, I realized I was not explaining reflective listening in a way that my clients were absorbing. That’s why I created this worksheet.
As professionals trained in systemic thinking, marriage and family therapists are uniquely qualified to consider many variables while encompassing multiple perspectives. For those who were not given the same education and training as MFTs, however, something as simple as reflective listening can be a challenge. We use reflective listening so that our clients feel heard, understood, and validated. The problem is, some clients become reliant on coming to session. Modeling is not enough. We’re all familiar with the possibility of clients developing feelings of attachment towards the therapist because they feel their therapist is the only one who truly listens. My mission is to equip my clients with the same listening and communication skills we use as therapists, so that they feel truly heard by each other, and not just by the therapist.
“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime” —Lao Tzu
The point of therapy is to give our clients the tools they need so they don’t need therapy anymore; not to get them dependent on therapy. This handy worksheet will help you teach clients how to communicate disputes more productively (essentially a ‘how to argue properly’ guide). I use this worksheet in every session that involves more than one client. While this worksheet was created with couples in mind, it can be used with siblings, parent/child relationships, even coworkers! This worksheet is designed to de-escalate tension in the conversation, increase empathy, and enable clients to see things through another’s perspective.
To use the worksheet, start off by giving each client a copy to look over (and to take home to practice). Walk them through the steps in detail, instructing them to complete each step with minimal dialog to ensure they absorb each step first instead of trying to make it flow. This is meant to feel choppy in order to keep the client focused on the key points: reflecting, empathizing, assuring, explaining, and resolving. Have one client share feelings to the other client who then follows the worksheet. Then they switch so each person has a chance to do the reflective listening exercise, as well as share and be heard. Assure your clients that each of them will get to share their perspective and be fully heard before the end of the session. This exercise only takes a few minutes per client.
Reflective Listening Worksheet
FIRST: PAUSE, PROCESS what was said.
Step 1: REFLECT.
Tell the other person in your own words what they are saying to you. This shows that you were listening, and absorbed what was said to you. Start with something like… “What I’m hearing you say is…”
Step 2: Show EMPATHY.
Say what you can imagine they are feeling. Avoid saying “I get it, you’re mad.” Instead, start with: “I can imagine you might be feeling … ” Then give three to five ‘feeling words.’ Example: insignificant, unimportant, humiliated, infuriated, shunned, etc.. Or even: “as though I don’t care about things that are important to you” depending on the situation.
Step 3: ASSURANCE.
Assure the other that it was not your intention to be hurtful. Avoid saying things like “I’m sorry you took it that way,” as this belittles their intelligence and takes no accountability. You can still feel that you are not in the wrong, and it could very well be an ‘agree to disagree’ situation. Instead, use something like: *“It was not my intention to hurt you …” or “I never meant for you to [still] feel this way … ” This assurance step is not an apology—you are simply stating here that you do not wish them the emotional pain they are currently experiencing.
*There could be a situation in which you may have purposely done something to make your partner jealous or hurt, which is where “I never meant for you to still feel this way … ” would come in.
Step 4: EXPLAIN without being defensive.
Much heartache and mental anguish is caused by misunderstandings. We are often asked, ‘what were you thinking?!’ Start off with: “My thought process was/is … ”
Step 5: RESOLVE with possible solutions (if any)…
Example: “From now on, I’ll do my best to be more aware that this bothers you…” or “I’ll try to be more aware of it so hopefully this won’t happen again …”
Again, however, it could be an ‘agree to disagree’ situation, but at least the argument at this point has been de-escalated and the communication is more productive.
Lauren Kymberly Hill, is an AAMFT Clinical Fellow and received her Master’s of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Capella University in 2016. She has been working for a Thriveworks located in Westminster, Colorado since the summer of 2018.
Other articles
A Message from the President
In January, I reflected on hope for 2021 with vaccines on their way and the promise of perhaps moving as an entire worldwide system to the other side of COVID19. In a few days, I will receive my second “jab” and be filled with gratitude that I have the ability to receive a life-saving miracle-of-science and begin going out and about once again.
Shelley A. Hanson
Noteworthy
Data on Living with Disabilities and Trends in systemic family therapy training and implementation in Africa.
Arthritis and Family Dynamics
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC, 2018) in a recent survey found that approximately 54.4 million people in the United States had been diagnosed with an arthritis related disease by a physician. Doctors focus on the individual patient when managing a chronic illness, but a diagnosis of a chronic illness reaches further than the individual alone.
Julie Payne, MA