Temperament: An Important Key to Understanding Oneself and One’s Relationships

Temperament is variable, with roughly 20-60% of the variance attributed to genetic factors and the remaining 40-80% to environmental influences. Here are the four main variability factors:

• Unique Environmental Factors such as unique peer groups, differing parental treatment, or personal experiences
• Developmental Stability suggests higher stability with age
• Contextual Variability traits manifest differently depending on the context or situation
• Individual Differences; some traits manifest more consistently, such as shyness

In general, the most significant unique environmental factor is parenting, because parents steer the family. How educated, thoughtful, kind, loving, and supportive parents are makes the biggest difference in how children develop; my parents both thought they were doing a good job, but they missed the big picture in multiple ways:

• They moved a lot, which created instability in life for my brothers and me
• They didn’t spend time really getting to know us as people or taking delight in us
• They didn’t foster a sense of family, or seem to care about us or what was happening in our lives beyond providing food, shelter, medical care, and clothing
• There was no meaningful encouragement; my father had been an English professor, but never talked with me about school, let alone college

Our family lacked meaningful cohesion, engagement, and purpose, which negatively impacts a child’s upbringing. Sadly, in our profession, we hear too many similar stories of poor parenting.

In my practice, I started using a temperament form about 10 years ago and found it helpful with individuals, couples, and parents being able to understand themselves and others more fully/realistically. Patients fill out the form after their initial assessment and bring it to their second appointment. I have meaningful conversations with patients, particularly with couples. Sometimes, couples spend two full sessions reviewing this form. I appreciate conversations about how people see themselves, and why and how they contend with these traits.

For couples, I have each person rate their own temperament and that of their partner, then we compare how similar they rate each person. If there is more than a two-point deviation, we discuss how each person came to their conclusion and negotiate to within a two-point deviation. Then, we look at how similar and different they are as a couple and explore whether or not there are problems related to the difference in temperament: a two-point deviation is usually not a problem; a four-point deviation usually is a problem; a six-point deviation is usually a major problem. Sometimes couples have already worked through these differences, and it’s interesting to hear how they’ve been able to do so. We also consider how fallout from trauma, anxiety, and depression may be running interference in each trait. Then, we look at how to bridge the gaps.

Let’s go through the traits:

Activity. High-activity people are on the go a lot and often move quickly, whereas low-activity people move slower and do calmer, quieter activities. A high-activity and low-activity couple often struggle in this arena, as one person is chomping at the bit to do more together and the other is content to stay at home. I’m a high-activity person, and I get 12 to 14 hours of exercise a week, which is not optional; it’s necessary, otherwise I get squirrelly.

Adaptability. Adaptability is how easily one transitions from one activity to the next. High adaptability is helpful as it is necessary to transition quickly from task to task in most jobs. I had a patient who struggled as a CNA. He was smart and conscientious, but he was slow. It took him two hours to get ready in the morning, and his hospital job demanded prompt, efficient service in a high-activity environment. He got fired, which was helpful because he had to reevaluate his career options and began a new, more suitable path.

Approach. This is how comfortable one feels around new people and situations. Extroverts are high-approach people, and introverts are low-approach people. Growing up, I thought of myself as an introvert, but actually, I’m a very social person most of the time. As noted earlier, my upbringing was poor, and I got bullied in school, which made me apprehensive around other people.

Intensity. Some people react mildly to situations, while others have stronger reactions. For couples, this can be the biggest problem in their relationship. Often, one partner is low-intensity, and the other partner is high-intensity, and so much of the time, conflicts are not about the dog, car, or milk, but about how serious each person sees the situation. High-intensity people look at their low-intensity partner and wonder if they even have a pulse because it seems like they don’t care about anything. And the low-intensity person sees the high-intensity partner becoming Godzilla about everything. Each person has to make modifications for the long-term relationship to survive this fundamental difference. The low-intensity person has to learn to be more effusive and project emotion using simple phrases such as “Oh really, I didn’t know that,” “I can’t believe that,” or “I’m sorry to hear that.” Just enough sense of listening, understanding, and empathy to minimize any offense that otherwise might be taken by the high-intensity partner. One phrase that the low-intensity person should never use is, “I don’t care.” I had a patient whose wife got upset because she would ask him what he wanted for dinner, and he would respond, “I don’t care.” She understandably took great offense to this, as he was making no effort to collaborate with her. So, I had him provide her three options to choose from, and this worked out very well. The high-intensity partner needs to learn to pause before responding if they are feeling upset about something, because usually the problem isn’t the problem nor one’s initial emotional reaction, but whether or not the person is feeding into their initial emotionality. A count of six is a minimum; usually, no more than 10 seconds is required. Both parties can use one of my favorite phrases, “Let me think about that,” which gives each person the chance to pause, consider the circumstances more fully, and craft a thoughtful response. One can quantify the phrase with “for a minute,” “for half an hour,” “let me think about that and get back to you tomorrow,” etc., although one does need to get back to the other person in that timeframe, otherwise it comes across as being avoidant or manipulative. This phrase changed my life 35 years ago, and is particularly helpful when working with patients on anxiety and anger.

Persistence. Persistence is great unless it becomes stubbornness, as you are not only getting diminishing returns for your efforts, but could be viewed as difficult. Having a partner who leaves things undone regularly can be very frustrating and a sign of ADHD.

Distractibility. Low distractibility is regarded as a more positive quality than somebody who gets distracted easily, but there are definitely benefits to noticing things that happen around you.  Also, it’s important to understand what is distracting, as it could be the result of a sensory issue, trauma trigger, or an anxious or creative nature.

Positivity. Life is good, and life is hard. Finding a balance between these two realities on an ongoing basis is interesting. Positivity is energizing, yet being overly positive can lead to missing signs of thoughtlessness, selfishness, or cruelty in others. Negative thoughts in and of themselves are not a problem. Negative thinking is necessary to prevent bad things from happening, but chronic negativity is a downer and people will avoid you.

Regularity. Regularity refers to the consistency of someone’s internal drives, like eating, sleeping, and toileting. A stable schedule is helpful, and other people will appreciate your reliability. At the same time, people need to adapt to their circumstances. But living in either extreme, a military Boot Camp or chaos, is not ideal.

Sensitivity. Some sources equate this trait as strictly related to the five senses, while others include emotional sensitivity/being an empath. Fortunately, I worked at a school specializing in autism early in my career and was educated on the significance of sensory issues. Being a highly sensitive person (HSP) is important to be aware of and learn how to manage because of the emotional intensity that one experiences.

Being temperament-informed parents is critical, as parents can be aware of a child’s temperament and accommodate it, but a child could not be aware of a parent’s temperament and accommodate it, nor should they have to. When my older son was five, I realized he was strong-willed and decided I would accommodate him instead of trying to stomp it out of him as some parents would. I’m glad I did, despite him being petulant at times, because one needs a strong belief in oneself to take on the big, bad world as an adult, and my son embraces life and challenges like few people do.

Now, let’s look closer at two important manifestations of temperament:

HSP. Primary aspects of HSPs are deep processing, overstimulation, emotional reactivity/empathy, and sensitivity to subtlety. HSP is fundamentally tied to sensitivity and secondarily to intensity; due to sensitivity, external stimuli are experienced more intensely, as emotions (internal) get triggered more intensely. HSPs are like orchids, thriving in supportive environments, but quick to wither in harsh ones; poor matches for HSP children are hostile, critical, or emotionally absent parents. About half my patients are sensitive to highly sensitive, and I refer them to the book The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aaron. They are thankful as they finally understand themselves after a lifetime of unnecessary shame for feeling so different.

High sensation seeking. (HSS). HSS individuals need new, complex, intense experiences and have a low tolerance for boredom. Being an HSS can destroy people‘s lives through unhealthy, compulsive behavior and addiction, so it’s incredibly important to be aware of and learn how to manage it. It is distinct from HSP but coexists in 30-50% of HSPs, and the combination of HSP and HSS results in a “bored-but-overwhelmed” contradiction.

One can look at ADHD symptoms through temperament traits, which is why I believe ADHD is so unique from person to person. Primary symptoms include difficulty with focus, self-regulation, and impulse control, and can be broken down into an array of behaviors. There can be confusion as to whether someone is an HSP or has ADHD, or both. HSS can be a primary aspect of ADHD. These potential complications require clinicians who can properly diagnose the issues so they can be addressed effectively.

It takes concerted effort to understand the basics of the human condition, ourselves, and other people. When you have your true nature, values, and priorities in alignment, your life will flow better. When these aspects are out of alignment, it’s like your spine is out of alignment, and there will be ongoing problems. Temperament is a primary aspect of our true nature, and we need to be aware of our traits and work with them accordingly. I encourage my patients to know themselves, embrace themselves, trust themselves, and, ultimately, share themselves in the most meaningful ways possible.