Relationship Rebalancing: A New Framework for Effective Communication

The equilibrium that allowed people to feel stable and connected to others has been shaken.

For sure, some people have been more profoundly impacted than others and the imbalances have by no means been equally distributed, but everyone has been touched in some way by the global pandemic. While some people have discovered ways to use the dramatic changes to enhance their relationships, many have struggled to adjust. And for everyone, a shift of this magnitude requires that we develop new skills and ways of being in order to bring better balance to our lives and relationships.

Relationship Rebalancing^© is a new approach to interpersonal communication. It offers tools to assist in identifying and naming repetitive, damaging, distancing interactions, those that lead to personal and interpersonal despair, and helps guide people to a place where they can learn and practice new kinds of conversations that help cultivate reconnection, compassion, understanding and repair. The model provides a way of simplifying the interactional patterns we look for as MFTs. It presents a template that helps identify and place the relational issues people bring to therapy on a spectrum from despair to repair and maps out two distinct cycles. The cycle of despair consists of those heavy interactions where we automatically REHASH, REPEAT, REINJURE, leading to DEFEAT. The cycle of repair, on the other hand, consists of the lighter, kinder conversations where we more consciously REVISIT, REVIEW, REBUILD and RENEW. The Gottmans have shown us that it takes at least five positive interactions for every one negative to have a well-balanced relationship.2 Relationship Rebalancing builds on this foundation and states that despair interactions are those that de-pair, separate, and lead to distance, loneliness, and hopelessness. Like rocks, they’re the heavy interactions we have with one another and ourselves. They weigh us down, and can injure when thrown. The re-pair conversations are those that bring us together, connect, and strengthen relationships. They’re lighter, like gemstones. It can take time and patience to find those small precious stones; the colorful, polished, shiny ones, infused with positive energy, and then deliver them carefully and kindly, as gifts for the intended recipient. These smaller, little gems are easy to miss if we’re not paying attention, when we’re distracted by annoyance, anger or hurt feelings, and it takes many of these small stones, delivered with care, to balance out the weight of even one hefty rock.

Relationship Rebalancing in action

The immediate and ongoing results of unresolved despair interactions are distance, defensiveness and disconnection. Isolation, social distancing, wearing masks, and lack of in-person interactions can also lead to feeling disconnected. The specific tools and practices of Relationship Rebalancing are needed now more than ever as we begin to emerge from the COVID-19 pandemic.

We are well aware how essential social connection is for childrens’ healthy development. Teenagers and young adults need interactions with their peers and mentors for identity formation. Adults rely on friends, colleagues, and family members to help balance time alone with social interactions, and to relieve the pressure on our primary relationships to provide for all our entertainment and emotional needs. A recent ProPublica article (MacGillis, 2021) highlights the many losses teenagers have experienced over the last year and how uncountable numbers of young people have missed important milestones, and will struggle to get their lives back on course. A 17-year-old in my practice is refusing to go back to school and has become increasingly depressed and isolated. She’s having difficulty sleeping and is getting intense headaches. She was unhappy and struggling socially before the pandemic, a normal condition for many adolescents, but the requirement and structure of school was encouraging her to develop a healthy morning routine, to get out of the house, see people and practice social interactions. Being at home, an only child, has changed the balance so dramatically that her parents struggle with her to get outside, exercise, walk the dog or go to the store. She feels increasingly comfortable being alone in her room. She spends exponentially more time seeing herself and others on a screen. While she reports that she’s “happier” and says she much prefers being by herself, it is clear her previous low self-esteem has dropped to a new nadir. It’s mind numbing to spend so much time on Zoom. The heightened self-consciousness of adolescence is increased when teens are seeing themselves and others on screens which is possibly why the majority of teens refuse to turn on their video camera during the “school day.”

Being online alters our social engagement behaviors, and finding a new “normal” has been challenging. Another teen, eager to return to school, found that her friend group had dissolved, and wearing masks only served to confuse her about how others were feeling. Welcoming smiles are indiscernible. Social distancing breeds suspicion and as neuroscience tells us, since the brain tends to pull negative, it is easy to assume the worst when we can’t read facial expressions.

The Relationship Rebalancing tools can be introduced to teens to help them rebalance themselves and their social lives. We can help them find ways back to their friends, to revisit and reconnect. We can help them develop their listening skills and their ability to be curious, kind and compassionate. Rather than looking back at what’s been lost, feeling stuck in regret and sadness about what they’ve missed and reinforcing behaviors that have become mind numbing habits, we can encourage them to get outside as much as possible, to move their bodies and find places to go where they can review, look again, and gain new perspectives on what possibilities now lie ahead. They will need to rebuild, to reestablish healthy routines, to get back to the gym and reclaim things they previously enjoyed. And they will have the opportunity to renew, to discover that while damage has been done, they are strong and resilient, and they are paving a new road to repair.

Relationship Rebalancing offers specific steps to help pave the way for everyone. Max and Vicky have been developing a habit of revisiting each day after they’ve put their children to bed. That’s when they reconnect and create a safe, supportive and loving space to talk about things that may have been difficult or hurtful between them during the day. With people spending so much time at home together, it’s easy to bump into each other or rub one another the wrong way. Taking time to revisit, to intentionally make time to talk about the missteps that inevitably occur, can help prevent chasms from developing. These calm conversations can be the small bridges that reconnect and help lead to greater love and understanding.

Rather than looking back at what’s been lost, feeling stuck in regret and sadness about what they’ve missed and reinforcing behaviors that have become mind numbing habits, we can encourage them to get outside as much as possible, to move their bodies and find places to go where they can review, look again, and gain new perspectives on what possibilities now lie ahead.

Fights, arguments, differences of opinion, can eat away at the fabric of relationships. When we come at one another aggressively, rehash painful interactions, zoom down the well-worn path of repeating accusations, blame, criticism, complaints and right vs wrong, we reinjure ourselves and one another and wind up feeling defeated. We find ourselves in the land of the “D” words including Disconnected, Disappointed, Discouraged, Dug in, Done or even Divorced.

The sadness, grief, boredom, and “groundhog day” feelings people have been experiencing inside themselves are spilling out onto their relationships, driving some individuals and relationships down into the deep dark depths of despair. Alexis and Jim can’t seem to release themselves from arguing over almost everything from parenting to daily chores. Alexis reported in session, “We keep banging our heads against the wall hoping for something different, but getting the same results.” It’s difficult to loosen the grip of anger, resentment, sadness, and loneliness. They reinjure each other and their relationship with criticism, blame, and ignoring one another. Anger and annoyance are the dominant feelings they share. They often feel defeated and distant from one another. Their relationship is in despair.

Slowly sharpening their Relationship Rebalancing tools, Alexis and Jim are beginning to reconnect, rather than repeating automatic reactions. They are working on listening to one another, and trying to breathe LIFE into their relationship by integrating Laughter, Intimacy, Food and Engagement on a daily basis. (A fun little acronym we use with the model). Another couple reports that using the template provides a framework that enables them to come back to difficult interactions with kind, calm and compassionate curiosity. One client wrote, “Having this framework helps me pause and reflect and investigate my thoughts and see which side I am on. Am I falling into a chain of reactions or am I choosing a new way to respond?” It helps individuals and couples create boundaries and agreements that serve to decrease defensiveness and increase openness to possibilities for themselves and one another. With parents and kids, it provides a clear structure for conversations that resonate at almost any age. Parents can say, “I’m sorry that conversation didn’t go so well. Can we find a little time to revisit? I’d like to understand how you see it so we can do something different next time.” Once people recognize the cycle of despair through completing their personal template, it becomes easier to steer clear of those despair interactions and move with greater awareness and compassion in the direction of repair and renewal.

The practice offered by the Relationship Rebalancing approach is to consciously revisit, then to review, look again, working to see the other’s perspective. It takes patience, trust and creativity to rebuild, to make a plan, re-establish agreements and to develop habits that drive us in a more positive direction. Practicing those behaviors and courageous conversations enable us to renew; to recreate the relationships that are most important to us. Recreation is fun. When we consciously explore, we can almost always discover possibilities that can fill our relationship reservoirs with greater understanding, love, appreciation and connection.

Even the healthiest, most accomplished and stable people have been challenged in their relationships this past year. Therapists are busier than we’ve ever been. Many clients who completed therapy years ago have returned, struggling with depression, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy and concern as parents, fighting with spouses and partners. Many are feeling the political divide and can’t figure out how to talk to their friends or family members who see the pandemic and politics from different vantage points. As with the practice of mindfulness where we consciously cultivate those “sweet spots” including relaxation, patience, trust and acceptance, practicing Relationship Rebalancing helps us move from REHASH to REVISIT; REPEAT to REVIEW; REINJURE to REBUILD, and from DEFEAT to RENEW.

Relationship Rebalancing integrates seamlessly with the evidence-based models you are already applying, including The Gottman Method, EMDR, emotionally focused therapy, narrative and mindfulness. It’s another tool for your toolbox. You can use the template as a guide for assessment. You can offer it to clients as a framework they can make their own and apply immediately to their lives and relationships.

One critical relationship often overlooked is the one we have with the more-than-human world. Our relationship with the outdoors and nature is profoundly out of balance. If we are to save ourselves, our environment and our planet from despair and destruction we must rebalance our relationship with the natural world. As an ecotherapist, I offer sessions outdoors in nature and many therapists are beginning to integrate Walk and Talk therapy (Dockett, 2019) into their practices.

Relationship Rebalancing provides a helpful framework and structure for conducting meaningful outdoor sessions.

In November of 2020 this model was presented at the virtual AAMFT National conference. 1,645 attendees registered to view the presentation, an indication of how eager we are for new ideas and ways to address these unprecedented changes and challenges that have occurred for our clients and families. The demand for therapists who can help people rebalance themselves, their relationships and their family lives, has never been greater. In response to the growing interest in this model, I am hosting regular discussion groups for therapists who would like to learn more about how to integrate Relationship Rebalancing into your work. To attend a group, or to learn more about Ecotherapy and opportunities for training, please visit my website Laurengkahn.com. I welcome the opportunity to connect with you!