Respect—Is this the Key Ingredient in the Recipe for Successful Family Relationships?

The skill level of the parent(s) often determines the extent of respect inherent in the family system. Therefore, the onus to provide respect for others falls upon the parents. If there is discord in the family, it is the duty of the parents to make an effort to correct this. If the parents allow or continue to tolerate disrespect, there will likely be further problems in the future.

Another factor impacting lack of respect shown by children to parents is related to the child’s level of development. Some of the “terrible two” behaviors that parents are exposed to may be natural and even appropriate when taking this early stage of development into consideration. Nevertheless, no matter the age of the child, parents must recognize that their child’s brain is in the process of attaining further growth, maturity, and development.

Pioneering psychologist Jean Piaget (1969) proposed four stages of cognitive development. His insights, hypotheses, and theories regarding the stages of child development continue to be relevant and pertinent regarding this subject.

Stage 1: birth to 2 years – Sensory motor stage. The child’s communications are limited to having their basic needs provided to them by their parents, expressed with crying and what may appear to be excessive expressions of emotion. The child is simply reacting to the environment and relying on the primal brain (the hindbrain and medulla) in order to survive.

Stage 2: 2 to 7 years – Preoperational stage. The child is slowly making the transition from relying solely on the hindbrain to using the prefrontal cortex, which provides greater emotional regulation.

Stage 3: 7 to 11 years – Concrete operational stage. The child’s brain progresses further from the primal hindbrain to the frontal portion of the brain which is responsible for increasing the ability of the child to attain higher levels of decision making (executive functioning).

Stage 4: adolescence to adulthood – The child progresses to a more formal operational stage. Logic and the understanding of abstract concepts begin to take hold. The brain moves from seeing the world as black and white to understanding that there are many gray areas regarding perceptions of life.

With this in mind, therapists can educate parents about the types of behaviors to expect of their child based on their level of development and facilitate reducing the sometimes extreme responses parents display when they perceive misbehaviors or possibly rebellious behaviors.

Emerson Eggerichs (2013) makes the following point: “It is important for parents to not automatically assume disrespect. You may have had to give your child a ‘time-out.’ But do not assume that your child has been disrespectful. Always remember, irresponsible is not the same as disrespectful” (para. 12).

Understanding developmental levels in children is just one important step in providing for children’s needs during their growth.

There are a number of ways in which parents may lose the respect of their child and therefore reduce their credibility as a family leader. One of the more important aspects of creating stability in the family home environment is based on the ability of the parents to remain calm while dealing with their children (Sytsma, 2018). The emotional reactions that parents sometimes display frequently get in the way of establishing a leadership role. Systemic therapists recognize that emotional reactions in any type of relationship interfere with effective communication. A breakdown in communication as a result of emotional reactions by parents often results in parents not receiving the behaviors desired from the child. It is important for parents to consider the impact of some of the things they may be saying to their child that could inhibit progress.

The emotional reactions that parents sometimes display frequently get in the way of establishing a leadership role.

Hilton-Anderson and Booth (2019) suggest the following statements, often used by parents in the heat of the moment, are ineffective and should never be used:

• “Why don’t you listen? What’s wrong with you?” The parent has just told the child there is something wrong with him or her.
• “With you asking for so much, I don’t know how I can pay the bills.” The child is not responsible for paying the bills.
• “You’ll never change.” This type of statement does not give a person much hope.
• “Leave me alone. I’m busy. Go find something else to do.” The brain of a young child interprets this as “I’m not interested in you.”
• “Why do keep bugging me? You’re starting to make me mad.” The child is seeking someone to fulfill emotional needs. Not only has the child been rejected, the parent is angry at him or her.
• “Stop being lazy and get your chores done like I told you to.” Being told you are lazy is not a good motivator.
• “Why do I have to tell you over and over?” Anger often accompanies this statement. A parent may feel this is a means to increase responsibility and accountability in the child, but the only effect this has is to send a message to the child that he or she “just doesn’t get it.” This may provide further proof to the child he or she is inept and stupid. But kids are not stupid. If they hear this statement frequently, they will often discard this as something akin to listening to a broken record. It is so repetitive that it loses any effect the parent may have intended.

It is no secret that children are adept at getting their way by “bugging” their parents. Persistence is their most effective weapon. If the child continues in this manner, the parents will sometimes lose patience. As a result, the parents may end up reducing themselves to an emotional level equivalent to that of the child’s. The quality of communication between the parent and child will often take a serious downturn. It is important for a parent to remain calm to establish credibility.

Parents who remain involved in their child’s lives are less likely to experience frustration during their child-rearing efforts. Based on my own experiences as a practitioner, as well as the research I have done, the authoritative method of parenting appears to produce the best results in terms of raising a child who will thrive in an adult world. Authoritative parenting is a multi-faceted approach that “covers all the bases” in terms of a parenting method that provides the nurturing experiences most beneficial to children.

Klein and Ballantine (2012) explain the theory and methodology behind this successful form of parenting, citing that authoritative parents are demanding and responsive; controlling but not restrictive. This child-centered pattern includes high parental involvement, interest and participation in the child’s life, open communication, trust and acceptance, encouragement of psychological autonomy, and awareness of where children are, with whom, and what they are doing. The authors make a distinction between authoritative parents and authoritarian parents. They describe an authoritarian parent as being someone who shows little trust toward their children, and their way of engagement is strictly adult-centered. These parents often fear losing control, and they discourage open communication. Their desire and propensity for providing meaningful communication with their children is often limited.

Steinberg, Elman, and Mounts (1989) conclude that:

• Authoritative parenting facilitates academic success.
• Each component of authoritativeness studied makes an individual contribution to achievement. The positive impact of authoritative parenting on achievement is mediated at least in part through the effects of authoritativeness on the development of a healthy sense of autonomy, and more specifically, a healthy psychological orientation toward work.
• Adolescents who describe their parents as treating them warmly, democratically, and firmly are more likely than their peers to develop positive attitudes toward, and beliefs about, their achievement, and as a consequence they are more likely to do better in school.

Parenting via an authoritative parenting style also has the potential of changing parenting patterns which could potentially affect future generations. This method not only teaches, but also encourages respectful behaviors among family members.

It is important to recognize that parenting styles may vary from being lenient to being strict. In any event, extreme parental responses to their child’s behaviors often provide a recipe for unfortunate outcomes. Rebellion on the part of a child is often the result of strictness or laxness in regards to the parenting approach.

It is apparent that the extent and degree of parental involvement is one of the key factors in terms of raising an emotionally healthy and competent child.

Ronald Richardson (1984) notes that each of us needs closeness (togetherness) on one hand, and distance (separateness) on the other. We need affiliation, support, security, love, independence, autonomy, freedom, and self-direction. These apparently opposite needs stay with us throughout life, changing in their intensity depending on the environment and our stage in life.

Parental involvement may be the best means to show children that parents not only care about them, but they respect them as well. This in turn will often result in the child gaining greater respect for the parent. Although a child may not be able to express this, he or she may think, “You are taking care of me. You have helped me feel better about myself. Thank you. I love you.” It is important to establish respect between parent and child at an early age. By the time a child reaches middle or high school age, it may become more difficult to correct behaviors of a child who is presenting with more pronounced issues. Further, Smith and Stern (1997) note that children who have grown up in homes characterized by parents lacking parenting skills will more likely be delinquent.

Parental involvement may be the best means to show children that parents not only care about them, but they respect them as well. This in turn will often result in the child gaining greater respect for the parent.

Stixrud and Johnson (2019) note that some parents believe they must be in control of their children’s lives as a result of false assumptions. They state the following examples: 1) there is a narrow path to success, 2) it is critical to do well in school if you want to do well in life, 3) pushing more will lead children to become more accomplished, 4) the world is dangerous so we must protect children. Many parents will take issue with these false assumptions. What is important to recognize is that most children are more resilient and adaptable than many parents acknowledge. Common sense tells us that we learn the most from our mistakes. Allowing children to learn from mistakes gives them greater insight to make better choices.

I am reminded of a family incident in which my granddaughters announced they wished to go outside and play. It was rainy and rather cold. As they rushed to the door, their grandmother told them they should put on their jackets. My daughter-in-law is a very savvy parent. She stopped her mother and told her “let them find out for themselves.” It wasn’t long before my granddaughters fled back inside the house to dress for the weather.

Stixrud and Johnson (2019) suggest children will thrive better if they are given the freedom to become better decision-makers. The role of the parent therefore shifts from one of being a controlling leader to becoming an advising leader. Offering choices as opposed to giving commands is one of the first steps in this process. Making time for open discussions can alleviate feelings of anxiety on the part of the child. It is also important to validate feelings. This takes the form of telling children that their feelings are normal. Validation also comes from parents telling their children that they have confidence in them to make good decisions.

Parents can fare better by allowing themselves to go with the flow of life. Decisions based on fear usually result in fighting the current. Parents should model self-acceptance and tell their kids what they are doing to accomplish this, as well as teach their children to accomplish this themselves by giving them the tools to become more self-directed, which should lead to greater levels of self-acceptance and self-confidence.