Resistance is a common challenge in caregiving, experienced by both caregivers and care recipients. It often reflects a desire to maintain control and cling to the familiar, especially during times of stress or adversity. Care recipients may resist when they feel their independence is being taken away, while caregivers may feel overwhelmed and uncertain about how to respond. Family caregivers can also resist, especially when there is disagreement about care decisions, leading to conflict and tension.
Drawing on my 35 years of experience, this article explores both care recipient and caregiver resistance, offering strategies to help family therapists support families through these difficult challenges.
Resistance from care recipients
Resistance among care recipients who are cognitively intact often stems from a desire to preserve autonomy and dignity. It may show up in various ways, refusing to stop driving, declining to move to a retirement community, rejecting outside help, avoiding medical care, not taking their medications appropriately or not allowing others to manage their finances.
To address this resistance, it’s important to first understand the underlying causes, then guide clients toward constructive conversations and solutions.
Loss of independence
Most people fear losing control over their lives. Chronic illness, however, can lead to increasing dependence. Many care recipients equate needing help with losing autonomy, and may use denial to hold on to a sense of control.
Family therapists can support autonomy by helping care recipients identify what they can still do and how to adapt familiar tasks. For instance, a person who enjoys cooking but struggles to stand at the stove might use a tall chair or switch to a crockpot or electric skillet. If driving is no longer safe, suggest ride-share options or hiring a local student to help with transportation. My stepmother found that hiring a student not only solved the driving issue, but created a nice relationship for my father, easing resistance and reducing the tension between my father and my stepmother.
Fear of being a burden
Many older adults fear becoming a burden, particularly financially. They may downplay or hide problems to avoid worrying their adult children, which can increase their risk of harm. For example, a client didn’t tell his children that his air conditioner had failed. Another skipped meals rather than ask for help with cooking.
Therapists can encourage families to be proactive. Suggest that adult children visit regularly or ask a trusted friend or neighbor to check in. Open, honest communication about concerns, especially about safety and well-being, can prevent avoidable crises.
Financial concerns
Older adults, especially those over 80, often guard their financial privacy closely. Conversations about money can feel intrusive or even suspicious, as some worry their children may be trying to control or take their assets.
Involving a neutral third party, such as an elder law attorney, accountant, or clergy member, can make these discussions easier. Sometimes an adult grandchild can be less threatening. Family members might also offer to cover specific costs such as housekeeping, yard work, or minor repairs to reduce resistance. In some families, older grandchildren have been paid to help with chores, which creates a positive, intergenerational experience.
Fear of change
Change, even when beneficial, can feel unsettling. Many people find comfort in routine, and disruptions to familiar patterns may trigger resistance, even if those changes improve safety or quality of life.
Unfortunately, conversations about care often happen only after a crisis. When possible, initiate discussions before problems arise. Including care recipients in planning helps them feel respected and more in control. If they refuse to talk, try revisiting the subject later or involve someone they trust who is not an adult child.
Care recipients with dementia
As people live longer, the risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia increases. Currently, an estimated 7 million Americans are living with dementia—a number projected to exceed 11 million by 2050 (Alzheimer’s Association, 2025).
One of the greatest challenges for caregivers is managing resistance from a care recipient with dementia. Many care recipients are unaware of their cognitive decline and may show poor judgment, impaired decision-making, and little insight. Attempting to reason with them is often counterproductive, which is frustrating for the caregiver and potentially upsetting for the care recipient.
To address this, I developed a strategy called compassionate deception: a carefully constructed “white lie” that provides an opportunity for professional intervention. This approach is used only when safety is at risk and resistance makes it impossible to move forward. The aim is to minimize trauma while ensuring the person receives the support they need.
Example: Helen’s story
Helen, an 85-year-old retired librarian, had lived independently for over 40 years. During a visit, her niece noticed signs of dementia such as spoiled food in the refrigerator, snack-only meals, and missed medications. When the topic of moving to a retirement community came up, Helen refused outright, saying, “You’ll have to carry me out in a coffin.”
Helen’s niece visited several assisted living facilities I recommended and found one she liked. To help with the transition, we used compassionate deception. Helen was told her home’s water would be shut off for a week due to corroded pipes and that she would need to stay in a temporary apartment in the meantime. Though reluctant, she agreed on the condition that she return home after one week.
To support the transition, the apartment was fully furnished (to avoid moving her own things), and the staff engaged her in familiar, meaningful roles. She became the facility’s “librarian,” complete with a badge, and led a weekly story hour for visiting preschoolers. With time, Helen adjusted well and eventually brought some of her favorite furniture to make the space her own.
When compassionate deception isn’t enough
There are cases where even the most thoughtful strategies fail. In these situations, guardianship may be the only option. While necessary for safety, guardianship is often emotionally painful for families and can bring feelings of guilt and regret.
Family therapists can play a vital role in helping caregivers navigate this process, offering support as they deal with the difficult emotions tied to making such life-altering decisions.
Caregiver resistance
Caregiver resistance is an often overlooked yet critical issue in family caregiving. It can take many forms, including frustration, fear, isolation, feelings of helplessness, family conflict, and the overwhelming pressure to “get it right.”
In working with caregivers, I’ve identified a pattern I call entrenched caregiver beliefs, deeply held beliefs that can fuel resistance and increase stress. These beliefs may prevent caregivers from accepting help or recognizing alternatives, even when those alternatives would ease their burden. Because these beliefs are often tied to powerful emotions such as guilt, fear, or filial responsibility, they can be hard to let go of.
Therapists can help caregivers explore these beliefs, uncover the emotions behind them, and begin to shift their thinking.
This process can be transformative, allowing caregivers to make changes that protect their well-being while still honoring their role. Recognizing that they don’t have to do everything alone can be empowering and freeing.
Resistance and family conflict
When multiple family members are involved in caregiving, conflict is common, especially when there are differing opinions about what kind of care is needed and where it should take place. For example, some relatives may insist the care recipient remain at home, while others advocate for a move to assisted living. Spousal resistance is another layer; a spouse without cognitive decline may reject help or deny the need for change, even if it places their partner at risk. If a competent spouse refuses assistance, families may have limited options. However, if decisions jeopardize the safety of the spouse, guardianship may need to be considered, which is a difficult and often emotionally fraught path. In these cases, family counseling can be invaluable. Conflict is often driven by stress and differing perspectives. Family therapists can help normalize the disagreement by reframing it: diverse opinions offer more options, not more problems. I usually begin with three goals:
- Determine what is truly in the best interest of the care recipient.
- Help each family member assess what level of support they can reasonably provide.
- Identify and assign specific tasks based on each person’s capacity and willingness to contribute.
This process often reduces tension and can help families work as a team rather than in opposition.
Finding strength in resistance
There’s no denying that resistance, whether from care recipients or caregivers, can be emotionally depleting. Many caregivers admit they’ve felt on the verge of “losing it.” But resistance can also be a pathway to growth. When caregivers and families understand the source of their resistance, it can illuminate what truly matters, what they need to let go of, and where they can find strength and courage.
Family therapists play a vital role in this journey, offering perspective, reducing guilt, and helping caregivers see that they don’t have to do it all alone. Most importantly, they can help restore hope. Even amidst resistance, families can move forward together with greater clarity, compassion, and connection.

Nancy L. Kriseman, MSW, is an AAMFT Affiliate member and an Atlanta-based geriatric social worker with more than 30 years of experience providing counseling, consultation, and training to family caregivers, eldercare service providers, long-term care communities, and national aging organizations. She has published numerous articles on aging issues and has three books on caregiving: The Caring Spirit Approach to Eldercare, 2005, Meaningful Connections: Positive Ways to Be Together When a Loved One Has Dementia, 2017, The Mindful Caregiver: Finding Ease in the Caregiving Journey, 2014 and The Mindful Caregiver: Finding Ease in the Caregiving Journey, second edition, September 2025.
Alzheimer’s Association (2025). Alzheimer’s disease facts and figures. https://www.alz.org/getmedia/ef8f48f9-ad36-48ea-87f9-b74034635c1e/alzheimers-facts-and-figures.pdf
Other articles
Clinical Practice with Parents of Emerging Adults
Marlene, a 46-year-old mother, presents for therapy and tearfully tells you that her once solid relationship with her 19-year-old son is in jeopardy. Marlene proceeds to describe Erik’s pattern of “less than stellar grades,” “apathy about finding employment,” “staying out late,” and “using marijuana – a lot.” Marlene shares that her husband thinks “Erik is the way he is because I coddled him too much.”
Lynne Carroll, PhD & Paula J. Gilroy, EdD
Migraine and the Bidirectional Connection to Mental Health Disorders
Affecting millions of people worldwide, migraine is considered one of the top 10 most disabling medical conditions by the World Health Organization (WHO). The condition has an estimated worldwide prevalence of 15-18% (Khan et al., 2021), including over 37 million Americans (American Migraine Foundation, n.d.; Walter, 2022). Migraine is a serious and debilitating medical condition characterized by significant throbbing head pain that is accompanied by various sensory, motor, and somatosensory disturbances.
Jerrod Brown, PhD, Jeremiah Schimp, PhD, Shelley Mydra, DMFT, Leanne Skehan, DCN, Bettye Sue Hennington, PhD, Stacey L. Mascia, PhD, & Elija Kneringer, BS
The Silent Strain: Exploring the Emotional and Structural Burdens of Informal Caregiving
Unlike most roles in life, caregiving may be thrust upon individuals when they least expect it. In 2024, there were 105.6 million caregivers in the United States (Farmer & Ramchand, 2024), and in 2020, there were over 53 million unpaid caregivers supporting friends and loved ones with chronic conditions or disabilities (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2024).
Srinithi Sridhar, MS & DeAnna Harris-McKoy, PhD