PERSPECTIVES

Friendship, Partnership, and Love Affair: Helping Couples Navigate the Differences so They Can Thrive Together

 

I see a committed relationship as having three aspects: friendship, business partnership, and love affair. Friendship is liking/respecting/enjoying a partnership, enjoying time and activities together, and, hopefully, having adventures. Business partnership is about logistics running a household (shopping, cleaning, cooking, managing money, cars, etc.), and parenting, whether that’s children and/or pets. A love affair is a deeper intimacy of sharing emotionally, physically, and sexually.


There are four main types of households:

In a relationship, but not living together, and no children

Living together, but no children

Living together with children

Empty nesters

There are priorities based on the circumstances:

If you’re in a relationship and not living together without children, then friendship and intimacy should be the two major aspects of your relationship.

If you’re living together without children, then all three should be equal.

If you’re living together with children, then logistics become the priority.

If you’re empty-nesters, it becomes more complicated if your children live nearby and you’re caring for grandchildren, plus the status of careers and priorities for retirement.

Let’s look at each aspect. First, friends are people we spend time with, have common interests, like and appreciate, and treat well. Too many couples tend to do too many activities without each other, and doing so can haunt them. I recommend couples say “Yes” to participating in an activity their partner enjoys doing at least once a month; of course, weekly is better. I’ve joined my wife for water tai chi despite chlorine being hard on my skin, and she joins me for walks and even went dancing with me twice, knowing it is very important to me. Bringing good energy is critical, as nobody wants their partner pouting or complaining, which would be worse than not going at all.

Second is business partners. What’s one of the best and easiest ways to improve a committed relationship that involves parenting? Logistics.

Who does the most chores?

Who’s doing most of the parenting?

Who is doing most of the emotional work?

Having relative equality of responsibility is ideal, and that can be worked out even if there is a disparity of job hours and income; women spend 2.2 times the amount of time as men do in household work and taking care of children (Gender Equity Policy Institute, 2024).

Good news: there is a straightforward way to manage logistics that takes only 5 to 10-15 minutes a week, minimizing unnecessary stress and problems and leaving more time, space, and energy for friendship and intimacy to thrive. Logistics is organization, coordination, and equity:

  • Organization is having an infrastructure set up so that you can coordinate properly
  • Coordination is working as a team to accomplish the goals
  • Equity is investing in the division of responsibility and ultimately about fairness, which is crucial to a healthy relationship

I recommend a weekly meeting, preferably Sunday evening, to discuss logistics for the upcoming week, divide responsibilities, figure out how to manage the hotspots, and do a recap at the end so everybody’s on the same page (this can be done for families, too).

Keep in mind that if one person is doing 60% and the other person is doing 40%, the person doing 60% is actually doing 50% more than the person doing 40% because half of 40 is 20, and 40 and 20 equals 60. Most people think it’s just a 20% difference, but it’s 50% and that is unfair, and over the course of time, it can lead to resentment by the person doing 60% or more. And, resentment is a relationship killer. More disproportionate workloads get even more extreme; if it’s 75/25, the 75% person is actually doing 200% more than the other person, not 50%.

Another challenge arises when partner A has to remind partner B to do things on a regular basis. This can result in partner A feeling like they are having to parent partner B, and partner B feels like they are being nagged, and few things kill intimacy and damage a friendship as much as this double-barrelled dynamic. Each partner needs to be an adult and manage their own responsibilities as much as possible (joint calendars and cell phones are incredibly helpful tools). Swapping chores from time to time is a good way to help each person have more appreciation for what the other person has to do.

Also at these weekly meetings, each partner gets to bring one topic about the relationship to discuss to the table, and one topic only—no pulling in other issues. It works best when the person with the topic brings a partial solution to the table, such as “I want us to save more money for retirement, so I will reduce having Jimmy John’s for lunch five days a week to only two times a week.” This way, the partner is already contributing to the solution of the other’s concern.

Thoroughly reviewing communication is critical so that couples can better discuss their issues outside of session; otherwise, unhealthy communication results in an ongoing pattern of unresolved conflicts that continually inflict pain on both parties. Lastly, looking at the macro issues (health problems, work, stress, etc.) surrounding the relationship, and seeing these issues as third parties in the relationship helps the couple feel more united in contending with them. Otherwise, they usually just take their macro-issue frustrations out on each other.

Third, we have intimacy, and most couples find it challenging to talk about intimacy openly. When you say the word intimacy, a lot of people automatically think of sex, but intimacy is multi-faceted, and sex is a minor part of it. Being seen and understood for who we are is the most important aspect of intimacy; otherwise, what kind of relationship do we have? Perhaps one of convenience, where we each fill a role as a partner. I have a patient who tells his wife he loves her, but he can’t give her one reason why, so she doesn’t believe him (he told me she’s “hot and feisty”).

Freud said the ability to “love and work” are the cornerstones of mental health and a fulfilling life. I add play, which, sadly, too many adults forget how to do. Generally, men are more defined by their work, and women tend to invest more emotionally in their relationships (how to minimize their investment in work). This difference complicates a long-term committed relationship as men tend to just try to fix problems, whereas women strive for deeper connection. I encourage men to connect with their most gentle and tender parts and push back against the toxic, gender-bias messaging they got growing up so they can attend to their partner in caring, thoughtful, and loving ways—find someone who pays attention, who runs their fingers over your every scar, and asks where each one came from. Who knows how you like your coffee, and what song makes you want to roll down the windows and slam on the gas pedal. Find someone who takes in your smallest details, who notices the things you thought no one ever would. And then…when you find them…be their someone, too.

“5 and 5” is a great, straightforward way to share and connect each day. At the end of a workday, each person gets to talk about their day for five minutes. Also, men can offer the “3 Hs” (to be heard, to be held, to be helped) when their partner is struggling with an issue instead of rushing ahead and trying to fix it; the fixer may lack enough understanding of what needs to be done and inadvertently send the message that they don’t trust the partner to handle it themselves and come across as demeaning.

Then, there is tending to our partner in the ways that are meaningful to them; this is where love languages come in. Women tend to be more romantic, while men can be more thoughtful in this way when pursuing their partner. After men have won their partner, they tend to become complacent, such is the common dynamic of desire. Women have to remind men to do romantic things for them, which kills any sense of spontaneity and makes romance a chore for both parties. I encourage men to do the following for their partners:

  • Texting something thoughtful at least once a day, even just three letters “toy” aka “thinking of you”
  • Offering hugs multiple times a day and snuggling together
  • Scheduling and committing to date night once every two weeks
  • Writing a thoughtful, appreciative, and loving card once a month
  • Taking initiative and coordinating a day or weekend trip every month to three months (and participating in planning of vacations)
  • Celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day (you would be surprised about the lack of or meager effort I often hear about)
  • Giving their partner an afternoon, day, or weekend for themselves
  • Going clothes shopping together, trying on sexy outfits, and putting on a fashion show
  • Getting intimacy card games in which you ask each other questions

I also suggest men read articles or books on feminism, relationships, and female sexuality (again, you’d be surprised how many men don’t). Sadly, it often takes women scheduling couples therapy or mentioning divorce for men to take these basic needs seriously. I work with men individually and in couples on their willingness and ability to invest in their relationship and marriage (two different things), and when they give themselves to this work, it’s amazing how much more thoughtful, sensitive, and giving they can be. Even if divorce is the outcome.

Releasing feel-good hormones like endorphins, dopamine, and oxytocin reduces stress, improves mood, boosts sleep, strengthens the immune system, enhances heart health, relieves pain (like cramps), and provides pelvic floor muscle exercise.

Sex, along with money, is a topic most couples struggle to talk about. Luckily, we live in a more enlightened age, and information about sex, the female body, and orgasms is readily available: the advice column Savage Love focuses on sex and relationships; educational videos on female anatomy and pleasure are available through the OMGYES website; the book She Comes First offers guidance on sex and orgasms for women. Talking with each other about what is most stimulating and orgasm-producing helps people have a better sex life, although many people feel too insecure doing so. And yes, orgasms are very healthy. Releasing feel-good hormones like endorphins, dopamine, and oxytocin reduces stress, improves mood, boosts sleep, strengthens the immune system, enhances heart health, relieves pain (like cramps), and provides pelvic floor muscle exercise.

Finding ways to keep one’s sex life interesting and fresh takes dedication and a willingness to be “good, giving, and game,” as Dan Savage says. Sex is one of the great repeatable pleasures in life, and sexual frustration can lead to a lot of problems, including affairs. Men are often too embarrassed to discuss sexual problems with their PCP, let alone their partners, especially if that partner has a higher sex drive.

While couples work is meaningful, it is usually challenging for everyone involved. Each person (including the therapist) needs to have a growth mindset, otherwise the same thinking will permeate and reinforce the problems. Marriage and family therapists are uniquely prepared to be relentlessly positive and the consummate juggler, while maintaining a responsive rhythm to maintain a good flow. If the therapist has the right sensibility, format, and appreciation of doing this interesting work, a lot of good can be done.

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Trevor Huskey, MSSW, LCSW, LICSW, is School Social Worker in Waukesha, WI.

Gender Equity Policy Institute. (2024). Report: The free-time gender gap; How unpaid care and household labor reinforces womens inequality. https://thegepi.org/the-free-time-gender-gap/

trevorhuskey7@gmail.com / trevorhuskey.com / The Breathtaking World of Anxiety Podcast

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