Relational problems exacerbated by COVID-19: The COVID-19 pandemic has resulted in unprecedented global morbidity and mortality, with mental health effects being an increasing concern, and specific threats within the family context (Prime & Wade, 2020).
During the pandemic, challenges related to social disruption, such as financial instability, caregiving pressure, and confinement-related stress, pose a serious threat to families’ well-being. Understanding how the present pandemic may impact couples’ relationships is especially crucial since economic, job, and mental health disturbances are all directly linked to couples’ relationship functioning (Pietromonaco & Overall, 2020). Couples may be struggling to handle financial problems, a loss of privacy, worry over medical issues, and familial and professional worries. Additionally, the COVID-19 pandemic has isolated families and loved ones. Further isolation was needed if a loved one contracted the disease. Those afflicted with the virus are sent home to quarantine and isolate themselves or, if severe, to a COVID hospital ward. The inflicted loved one and those who love them cannot be physically near each other due to the fast spread of the virus. This isolation and separation increased grief and shame due to the inability to be near a loved one in a time of uncertainty and need (Lebow, 2020). These feelings exacerbated when a loved one passed away alone and sometimes unexpectedly.
Grief has also become a daily experience due to a sense of loss in routines, cancellations of planned celebrations and milestones, along with physical separation from family and friends (Woods, 2020). The universal grief our society is experiencing is a reaction to the loss of intangible aspects of daily life. Many are no longer able to separate work from home, school from home, or leisure time from work or school. We are now fully immersed in technology as we engage in virtual meetings and classes, while educating children at home and communicating with our loved ones (Woods, 2020). This kind of loss has been termed ambiguous loss (Boss, 2021). Ambiguous loss cannot be quickly resolved or verified and is marked by the inability to confirm a person’s whereabouts or the ability to return to normal (Woods, 2020). This type of loss can be incredibly challenging as it is confusing, disorienting, and defies the concept of closure.
Couples are facing an increase in external stressors during this time. For instance, there is a high risk of one or both in the relationship losing their job. This increased economic strain due to salary reduction or elimination has negatively affected relationship satisfaction (Turliuc & Candle, 2021). Past research has shown that significant adverse life events, such as wars and medical crises, exacerbate preexisting stress levels. These adverse life events can lead to an increased chance of relational dissolution or decreased marital satisfaction (Reizer, Koslowsky, & Geffen 2020; Schmid, Wörn, Hank, Sawatzki, & Walper, 2021). Moreover, adverse life events increase anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues (Turliuc & Candel, 2021). The pandemic has also led to decreased social and familial activities and more problems for couples, such as increased negativity, hostility, and withdrawal (Pietromonaco & Overall, 2020; Williamson, 2020). Therefore, there is a need for couples to actively engage with one another to combat an eventual deterioration of the relationship during the pandemic.
Grief has become a daily experience due to a sense of loss in routines, cancellations of planned celebrations and milestones, along with physical separation from family and friends.
Importance of therapy during a pandemic
While the spread of COVID-19 has raised demand for therapy in certain circumstances, it has also caused financial hardship and mental stress for both therapists and patients. Some therapists have seen significant growth in their private clinics. Others have witnessed a drop in caseloads because of losing insurance coverage or healthcare policies that only cover in-person visits (Writers, 2021). While previous research supports the theory that the pandemic has increased the probability of infidelity among spouses, it is also vital to note that the means of contact for affairs may have changed. The social distancing recommendations, such as not going to the gym or not going to work, have reduced the opportunity for physical contact with affair partners (Coop & Mitchell, 2020). However, current research has shown evidence for the increased risk of infidelity through virtual means happening at this time. During the pandemic, for example, a dating site for married people has been gaining 17,000 new members per day, up from 1,500 new members per day in 2019 (Coop & Mitchell, 2020).
Strong social ties have been known to protect individuals from mental health issues as it has been shown that people who have integrated social support networks (including family, friends, neighbors, and community groups) are less sad and report higher levels of happiness (Haslam et al., 2015). This is where access to relational therapy can be beneficial. According to Evry and Fuller (2021), relational therapy is a psychoanalytic method to work through psychological and behavioral issues. Relational therapists see connections as crucial to psychological well-being and use the therapy connection to help people become more conscious, grow, and create positive changes (Evry & Fuller, 2021). In other words, relational therapy aims to assist people who are having difficulty developing and maintaining stable, healthy, and safe relationships. A lack of satisfying connections in one’s life is thought to contribute to a variety of common psychological difficulties, such as mood instability, social anxiety, addiction, and a greater vulnerability to trauma (Evry & Fuller, 2021). Relational therapy assists people in being more aware of the prior events and patterns of behavior that impede them from forming healthy relationships, as well as learning the necessary skills to enhance their relationships (Evry & Fuller, 2021).
Partner responsiveness to the wounded partner’s emotional pain and attachment discomfort helps to alleviate the bond’s rupture and encourage forgiveness and reconciliation (Zuccarini et al., 2013). Also, new cycles of emotional engagement related to the injury promote greater trust, relationship satisfaction, and forgiveness in resolved partners (Makinen & Johnson, 2006, Zuccarini et al., 2013). Additionally, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help decrease stress and increase vulnerability of expressing emotions (Wiebe & Johnson, 2017). Further, it is possible to assist couples in establishing a more stable relationship and implementing successful impact co-regulation in their own lives. MFTs can also access the resiliency that comes with ensuring that a significant partner will still be present and receptive.
Strategies to increase couple connectedness
One way couples can stay emotionally connected during the pandemic is learning a partner’s love language. Chapman (1992) identifies five different ways people speak and understand emotional love. Each of the five methods has been shown to strengthen relationships all over the world by identifying basic human needs and desires (Adams, 2020). The five love languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. Each of these love languages is crucial in determining one’s emotional needs. Each love language consists of actions that a person may request from their partner in order to feel emotionally loved and appreciated in a relationship (Adams, 2020). A person whose love language is words of affirmation thrives on kind and encouraging words from their partner. One whose love language is quality time values the undivided and focused attention of their partner while doing an activity they enjoy; receiving gifts feels emotionally loved by their partner when they are given objects as a visual representation of their love. A person whose love language is acts of service feels emotionally loved when their partner displays an eagerness to do things they know will be appreciated, and physical touch feels emotionally loved when they are touched by their partner on any part of the body (Adams, 2020). Other ways couples can stay emotionally connected during this time are five magic hours, value cards, sensate focus exercise: non-sexual intimacy, expression of gratitude, and using I statements.
Partner responsiveness to the wounded partner’s emotional pain and attachment discomfort helps to alleviate the bond’s rupture and encourage forgiveness and reconciliation.
According to Gottman, couples in positive relationships devote an extra five hours per week to their marriages in very specific ways (Anne, 2014). There are five ways to apply the magic for five hours. First is parting, which is making an effort to learn one thing that is happening in their partner’s life that day before saying goodbye in the morning (Anne, 2014). Second is greetings, which is having a debriefing conversation. This can include discussing your day, your hopes, your dreams, your life, or anything else that comes to mind (Anne, 2014).
A third way to do this is admiration and appreciation. For example, appreciating your partner for taking out the trash or appreciating the energy they put into making dinner. Subsequently, affection is showing physical affection to your spouse (Anne, 2014). This can include hugging, holding hands, and Gottman advises goodnight kisses. Lastly, weekly dates (Anne, 2014). At first glance, that amount of time may appear excessive, but this is an opportunity to be creative. One can stay up late and play a game, take a walk around the park, and enjoy each other’s company.
Another way to connect with your partner is using value cards. Value cards are useful in helping identify values an individual may not have previously considered (Nikolic, 2019). For instance, you can separate three piles of cards and label them as important, very important, and not important. The individual will then place the cards into three piles quickly, without thinking too much. After this is done, the individual will look into the meaning of the words for this as well as any specific placement decisions and one can speculate on what life would be like if one or more values were absent, as well as the consequences (Nikolic, 2019).
Additionally, sensate focus is a set of touching activities that aims to increase closeness between couples. Masters and Johnson, a sex therapy research team, initially created it in 1970, and it has since become a commonly recommended technique among sex therapists (Keller, 2017). The goal of this exercise is to help you experience physical contact with your partner more fully, set aside any distracting factors, and learn more about the types of touch and contact that you find intriguing and enjoyable. One may also discover that this improves communication between you and your partner. Stroking, caressing, kissing, massaging, fondling, and tickling are just a few examples of many sorts of contact that may generate pleasurable experiences (Keller, 2017). At different times, various people find multiple kinds of touch pleasurable.
Lastly, expressions of gratitude and I statements can emotionally connect couples during this time. According to Rogers et al. (2018), a higher proportion of I-language and a lower proportion of you-language was associated with better problem solving and higher marital satisfaction. Similarly, the more frequent you-language during face-to-face conflict discussion was negatively associated with interaction quality of couples. Murray and Hazelwood (2011) discovered a link between gratitude and certain aspects of attachment and discovered that people who were more grateful and more secure in certain aspects of attachment were more likely to engage in prosocial behavior. We hope that the suggestions provided are useful and that we can all stay healthy during this time.
Eman Tadros, PhD, is an AAMFT Professional Member and holds the Approved Supervisor and Clinical Fellow designations. She is assistant professor at Governors State University in the Division of Psychology and Counseling, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and is the Illinois Family TEAM leader.
Eunice Gomez is a senior majoring in Psychology with a minor in Addictions. She will then pursue a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Counseling.
Meghan Dudek is a doctoral candidate at Governors State University where she anticipates receiving her PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision. She is a licensed counselor and clinical supervisor for her agency.
Kalyna Y. Brumfield is in the Masters of Counseling with a focus in Marriage, Couples, and Family at Governors State University.
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