A parent recently sat with me during a session, and she talked with me about how she is coping, and accepting, that things have changed since she was young. She stated to me, “When I was a kid in the 70s, my summers were spent almost every day outdoors until the streetlights came on. That was our curfew; otherwise my parents didn’t really want to see us in the house except for lunch and the occasional bathroom break. If we lingered too long in the house during these times, I could see my mother’s eyebrows start to wrinkle and the sighs would become longer and more exasperated. My sister and I bolted out as we heard, “Alright all of you, get outside already.” We were wonderfully exhausted by bedtime and I would reflect on our adventures from earlier in the day. We both agreed that young people today are not getting as much in-person interaction with their peers as we did in our childhood.
For the past four or five years of my almost 20 years of practice, I have observed new, challenging behaviors with preteens and teens, and parent/child conflict, all related to social media and excessive screen time.
When I met separately with her son, we discussed his mother’s concerns about his need to be on social media so frequently. “I kinda want to be on social media with all my friends, but it’s mostly drama and there are things that aren’t true on there, I know that. But it’s also fun to see what my friends are doing. Sometimes I have to walk away from my phone and do some gaming with friends online because it drives me crazy.” He stated that he visits social media sites after school, before he does his homework, for about an hour or so, then his mother will come in his room and remind him to get off his phone or gaming system and start his homework.
His mother had initially brought him in to address his anxiety and depression, which she stated worsened when he started middle school. His mother reported that this was when she decided to allow him to have social media, with monitoring and efforts to restrict access to inappropriate websites. She expressed concerns that approximately three months after being on social media, he began to present as more irritable, withdrawn, and with decreased ability to concentrate on his homework. I had decided to have them meet with me together so that they could express their feelings to each other. I felt it was particularly important for my client to share with his mother that being on social media can be stressful for him, as well.
It might be tempting for parents to go to extremes and either restrict access to social media altogether, or overly accommodate their worries and stressors by inadvertently helping them avoid problem-solving. Leah Shafer (2018) of the Harvard Graduate School of Education states, “Teenagers report feeling all kinds of positive and negative emotions when describing the same social media experiences—posting selfies, Snapchatting, browsing videos—but the majority rate their overall experiences as positive (para. 3). She adds, “Understanding these nuances can help families better grasp their teens’ up-and-down experiences in the digital world (para. 4). She further explains, “Just cutting teens off from social media entirely may not be the best solution, since that will likely cut them off from positive experiences as well” (para. 17).
When talking with my colleagues who work with parents and teens dealing with social media habits and concerns, they share that they are often validating their concerns or guiding and supporting parents’ efforts to set and maintain healthy limits the use of social media. While most parents will express appreciation for the support, I have found that despite efforts they make to follow through with some suggestions, parents will often report to me that they feel in competition with social media. They express with frustration that they can’t get their child out of his or her room, and conflict will escalate when they feel they must go to extremes to get their child’s attention away from social media. Most parents tell me that at one point they ended up shutting off the internet altogether for an hour or more. “This can lead to World War III,” one parent told me.
I encourage parents to talk with their child/teen about social media use—what to look out for, and when to alert parents if they are concerned—prior to allowing them access to a social media site.
I often assess parents’ knowledge of their child’s use of social media, and how they balance being watchful but not intrusive. I encourage parents to talk with their child/teen about social media use—what to look out for, and when to alert parents if they are concerned—prior to allowing them access to a social media site. It may not guarantee problem-free social connection and interaction with others, but having an open dialogue about social media use can let teens know that they can come to their parents if they encounter something that is concerning or alarming, without the fear of being shut out of social media, unless the parent perceives a safety risk.
Emily Weinstein (Weinstein & Selman, 2014), who studies teens and their social media habits, identified six digital stressors teens encounter. Type 1 stressors reflect the migration of common forms of relational hostility onto the online space and echo discussions of harassment, drama, and bullying:
- mean and harassing personal attacks
- public shaming and humiliation
- impersonation
Type 2 stressors stem from adolescents’ use of digital technologies in the context of their attempts to form and maintain intimacy or close connections with others. They include:
- feeling smothered
- feeling pressure to comply with requests for access
- breaking and entering into digital accounts and devices
These are great platforms for parent/child dialogue when discussing parents’ concerns around their teen’s social media habits. The role of the practitioner-as-facilitator of dialogue between parent and child when discussing power and control over social media is crucial. Allowing for validation of parent’s concerns, and acknowledgement of the risks emotionally for teens while recognizing some of the positives, should all be included in the discussion. Therapists can support all involved in managing social media, with the goal of helping the parent coexist with their child’s social media instead of feeling the need to compete with it.
Katharine Larson, MA, LMFT, practices full time as a clinician working with children, teens, families and couples at Generations Family Health Center in Willimantic, CT. She is a Clinical Fellow of AAMFT.
REFERENCES
Shafer, L. (2018, May 16). The ups and downs of social media. Harvard Graduate School of Education. Retrieved from https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/uk/18/05/ups-and-downs-social-media
Weinstein, E. C., & Selman, R. L. (2014). Digital stress: Adolescents’ personal accounts. New Media & Society, 18(3), 391-409.
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