A new client arrives at your office. This young man in front of you, Adam Perez, begins to tell you how he struggles with his dating confidence and his confusion as to why his romantic relationships never seem to last more than a few months. He says that he feels lonely and vulnerable and begins to share that he fears he will never get married, or if he is able to marry, he expresses concerns about that relationship ending in divorce like his parents. His parents divorced when Adam was 15, and he hasn’t had contact with his father since the divorce. He shares his struggles with honesty in his relationships over concerns that if he speaks his mind his partner will end the relationship. Admittedly, his lack of honesty and fears of the relationship ending ultimately led to the relationship ending within a few months.
Divorce and family conflict often impact the children mentally and emotionally, where the impact is sometimes not seen till later in life. The timing of divorce, as well as the nature of the divorce, can determine when and how severely a child is impacted. According to the American Psychological Association, 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce (Previtera, 2023). As divorce rates increase, there is more risk of future generational trauma and lingering bad habits that can present. As young adults in this technology-driven era, the use of AI, dating apps, and social media provides endless opportunities and glorifies “hookup” culture. For a young single adolescent like Adam, this would be difficult to find the value in a long-term relationship and feel overwhelmed by the options. For the young single generation coming from a family of divorced parents, it can be difficult to see the value of sustainable relationships where things such as communication and commitment may be absent. Those may be unrecognizable traits to someone who comes from that background. Although these traits may be invisible to some, focusing on emotion-based therapy (EBT) to access and work through primary and secondary emotions to limit residual trauma lingering from the parental divorce is beneficial. It will further self-growth and create better communication among future relationships, increase self-esteem, increase the ability to accept the commitment, and therefore propel relationship satisfaction.
A solid foundation of communication begins with trust, honesty, and clarity.
Adam lacks the ability to engage in meaningful communication as he has never seen a successful relationship that had positive outcomes due to his parent’s divorce. (Du Plooy, 2015) Communication styles are something learned through observation and constant exposure. When Adam grew up in a house where communication had no value, it would be hard to now implement successful communication into his adult life. A solid foundation of communication begins with trust, honesty, and clarity. Working through the underlying negative emotions from the impact of the divorce will help Adam and others see the gaps of what they need to work on and ideally create that dialogue. An insecure attachment style can be fostered throughout one’s upbringing due to parental divorce and communication issues (Braithwaite, 2016). This attachment style can be known to create a lack of trust and instability, therefore negatively affecting connection and relationship foundations with others.
Adam’s self-esteem is being impacted due to the deteriorating bonds of his parents which eventually led to their divorcing. Children from divorced families have a greater likelihood to externalize and internalize problems compared to children from a non-divorced background (Christopher, 2017). Additionally, the outlook on how one views their experience with parental divorce negatively as a young adult has also been shown to relate to depressive symptoms and self-blame. This self-defeating mentality can shape a mindset that ultimately equates to low self-esteem, particularly when pursuing romance. The quality of the relationship that the assigned child has with their absent parental figure can have a lasting impact into adulthood (Reuven-Krispin, 2021). People who hold the belief that love is achievable and within reach have a positive outlook within themselves. However, when an individual such as Adam does not hold this positive belief, a higher form of self-criticism can develop.
The act of a long-term commitment to Adam toward a potential romantic partner becomes a concept that is unfamiliar to him because of witnessing the dissolution of the lifelong bond between his parents. Parental conflict can lead to lower relationship satisfaction and a lower likelihood of committing to a long-term relationship (Braithwaite, 2016). To witness conflict and divorce between your parental figures, during one’s developmental years can warp perceptions of relationships. This can steer individuals such as Adam to engage in avoidant attachment styles and remove themselves from situations that involve a deeper form of companionship. Additionally, the viewing of parental divorce can impact one’s ability to trust in personal relationships. When people like Adam come from a background of parental divorce, they are likely to experience less satisfaction and ability trust those who he is dating (Roper, 2020). Trust plays a vital role in the forming and ongoing process of a romantic connection. Without this crucial component, it can push individuals to enter into a space of dating with a construed perspective.
As Adam begins emotionally-focused therapy, he is beginning to realize the implications of the parental divorce and how it is affecting his life. It is becoming clear that he does not wish to engage in today’s “hookup culture” and desires to have a fulfilling relationship with one woman. To nurture his self-esteem in therapy, he participates in mindful meditation to allow his body to feel safe and enhance self-compassion. Adam is addressing the lack of commitment between his parents by utilizing the empty chair technique. Adam states that he wishes to have his future partner share his values, as it leads to relationship satisfaction (Ye, 2023). Being able to convey his values to potential mating partners confidently will lead to higher relationship satisfaction and provide him with the best opportunity for a long-term relationship.
The hope for Adam and the rest of the young population is to engage in emotionally-focused therapies to overcome the adverse effects of their parental divorce. The goal is to foster post-divorce growth within the clients by:
- Identify and process emotions surrounding the parental divorce (emotion wheel)
- Hone direct communication skills to be able to convey what they want in a relationship effectively
- Thoroughly examine the client’s relationship’s value system early on (value cards exercise)
- Foster self-confidence to withstand rejection in a predominant “hookup culture” when their values go against it.
Alexander Michael Barron , is an AAMFT Student member attending the Class of 2025 MFT program at Chapman University. Barron is a Marine Corps veteran who strives to continue serving the country by providing therapy to help fellow veterans, Christian couples, and young men.
Julie Payne, DMFT, LMFT, is an AAMFT Professional member holding the Clinical Fellow and Approved Supervisor designations and a Clinical Assistant Professor at Chapman University in the Marriage and Family Therapy Program. She has over 17 years of clinical experience working in community-based mental health and private practice settings. Dr. Payne is currently licensed and practicing in California and Texas specializing in working with families and individuals living with chronic illness/pain, military families, children and adolescents, and trauma.
Brandi Prange, is a first-year student in the Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) program at Chapman University. Coming from a family of divorce, Prange is looking to work with couples and individuals who struggle with family conflict and bereavement while emphasizing emotion-focused therapy.
Anthony James Perez, is a second-year graduate student in the Marriage and Family Therapy program at Chapman University. Perez is an aspiring couple’s therapist with a focus on emotion-focused therapy. He has a strong background of working in crisis intervention, specifically in suicide prevention for over six years.
Braithwaite, S.R., Doxey, R.A., Dowdle, K.K., Fincham, F.D. (2016). The unique influences of parental divorce and parental conflict on emerging adults in romantic relationships. Journal of Adult Development, 23. 214-225. https://doi-org.chapman.idm.oclc.org/10.1007/s10804-016-9237-6
Christopher, C., Wolchik, S., Tein, J.-Y., Carr, C., Mahrer, N. E., & Sandler, I. (2017). Long-term effects of a parenting preventive intervention on young adults’ painful feelings about divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(7), 799–809. https://doi-org.chapman.idm.oclc.org/10.1037/fam0000325
Du Plooy, K., & Van Rensburg, E. (2015). Young adults’ perception of coping with parental divorce: A retrospective study. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 56(6), 490–512. https://doi-org.chapman.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/10502556.2015.1058661
Previtera, P. (2023, January 9). Divorce statistics for 2022. Www.petrellilaw.com.
Reuven-Krispin, H., Lassri, D., Luyten, P., Shahar, G. (2021). Consequences of divorce-based father absence during childhood for young adult well-being and romantic relationships. Family Relations, 70(2), 452-466. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12516
Roper, S.W., Fife, S.T., Seedall, R.B. (May 2020). The intergenerational effects of parental divorce on young adult relationships. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 61(4), 249-266. https://doi.org/10.1080/10502556.2019.1699372
Ye, S., Ma, M.Z., Man So, J.J., Ng, T.K. (October, 2023). The effects of similarity in personality and values on relationship satisfaction among dating couples: A response surface analysis. Personality and Individual Differences, 213, 1-8. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2023.112306
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